12 Powerful Parenting Methods for Raising Creative, Resilient Children

 

By Bob Eckert & Sheila Delarm, New & Improved, LLC

Download the reprint at https://newandimproved.sharefile.com/d/sf7ba973a0a447a2b
  
Organizations all over the world are clamoring for a more creative workforce, secure in the knowledge that the creative thinking of individuals is the starting point for all innovation.  As a regular reader of The Innovative Brain you're likely here because you’re most concerned with enhancing creativity such that your businesses might thrive, yet many of us are parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles or “parents-at-large” too.

This article is focused on parenting skills that will help us raise our children to become creatively competent and resilient adults.

Here are the key parenting methods – based in the research and the wisdom passed to us from others – that we used and refined. Taken as a whole, we think these were powerful tools to help our kids grow to be the creative and resilient adults they are today:

1) Never tell kids they are smart.  Rather, when they are young, tell them they are....

 

good learners. Get the other adults helping to raise them to do the same thing. Build a self-image that is about constant learning, rather than a static personality trait. If the “you’re so smart” comment has lovingly flowed past your lips already, simply shift to a new strategy, pointing out their steady learning now.

2) Require “yet” speak.  When they are very young and compliant, get them in the habit (when they don’t have a particular skill or ability) of saying “I can’t do that... Yet.” If your kids are older, start using “yet speak” when referring to your own unattained aspirations, and then - after a while - you’ll have the moral ground to challenge your kids to do the same.

3) Boredom is a good thing.  Passive entertainment is not generally good for energizing a creative brain. Bored kids will find ways to entertain themselves if we let them. A cardboard box has a hard time competing with a cartoon. But when there is no cartoon, that box can take them to the moon. A car ride with a DVD in the back certainly makes the ride less challenging for the adults up front, but boredom creates opportunity for conversation, mental games, and yes, parenting around fussy behaviors. All of which are good things. Clearly for us, there were some incredibly frustrating moments caused by back seat bickering. But we’d never give those irritations up if it also meant we’d lose the chance for the unpredictably interesting and intimate conversations that cemented our relationships, gave us views into our kids’ internal world and offered us opportunities to support them as they negotiated life.

4) You will be great at that.  This one Bob learned from his mom. Whenever your kids says “I want to be a _________!”, support them with a statement something like “That’s cool, you’ll be great at that!” Help them learn about what they are passionate about at that moment. Trust their process of growth. Yes, they will have a few wild and unrealistic-seeming aspirations as they move through their life. It serves nothing to assume you know what they can and cannot become. Help them follow their passion, even if it flits about a bit, as it usually does. They’ll land on something great if you support their exploration.

5) Manage your mental lens.  At a young age, begin teaching them experientially that they have the power to control their thinking, to point their cognitive lens wherever they want. We started it in “time outs” with this strategy: “Sit down. You’re going to have X minutes of time out. Your time begins when you can calmly tell me what you did wrong. I’ll be back in a minute to see if you are ready for me to start the timer.” Keep coming back every minute or so until they have managed their temper, then start the timer with a congratulatory expression for their getting themselves mentally together. (Thought creates emotions. You’re teaching them to manage emotion by managing thought.)

6) Use the brain correctly.  Teach your children to separate divergent thinking from convergent thinking. Model making a list of options before you choose from it, following the rules for divergence and convergence. Similarly, as they are older and learn to write, teach them to separate the writer’s mind from the editor’s mind.

7) Practice creative process.  Expose them to the Creative Problem Solving process (CPS) repeatedly. Plan things with it: family vacations, what gift to give someone for a birthday, choosing a college, etc. Treat their ideas well, not by putting a star on everything they do, but by following the POINt (Praise First) process we outline in this video and in this article. Special Tip: Introduce them to the concept of the Gator Brain, and our primitive response to things that are “new”. Hear how our daughter coached Bob when his Gator Brain got out of control. She was just 9 at the time.

8) Explore multiple viewpoints.  Since success comes from good creative problem solving, and creativity comes from creative thinking, and creative thinking is the connecting of previously unconnected thoughts, we need to help them make connections to other points of view. To be more open minded. To not constantly feed themselves the point of view that feels most comfortable. Help them look for alternate points of view. Think seriously about how to energize curiosity more in yourself and in your kids.

9) Expose them to diverse cultures.  Travel when you can. Especially to areas where people live, look and speak differently than you. Help them understand that while we are different on the surface, we are all the same in our desires and struggles. Don’t have the funds to travel yet? What might be all of the ways to expose your children to diversity of culture and world view in your own locale?

10) Do Service.  Have them experience the fun and joy of doing good for others, and do so in a way that they get to directly experience the human recipient(s) of their helping efforts. Donating money to a cause is OK, but better to hand that money to the ultimate recipient themselves. Even better is to interact with a human recipient in such a way as to get to know them a bit. We built an entire community event –The Joy of Giving Party – around this concept that is now in its 19^th year. It was our way of strengthening a community of practice around raising altruistic children.

11) Grown-ups do not exist  There are only grow-ing-ups and stuck people. That’s it. And we are all both.Yes, you are an adult, but no one is ever finished growing. Even the best of us get stuck from time to time. Be a model grow-ing-up for those you are helping raise to adulthood. Bonus: this makes it a lot easier for you to admit your own mistakes. Especially when your kids are teens and become so... insistent... about pointing them out to you.

12) Be it Be the person you want your children to grow and be. Be an example of the above in your own behavior and verbalization. Hold in your mind the intention that you are going to raise your children to be more mature, more emotionally intelligent and creative than you were at any given age.

A final idea to make it a “baker’s dozen”: Don’t raise your children to be adults. Raise them to be great parents. We made this mental shift when our kids were about kindergarten age. This subtle change of focus had profound impact on our parenting. Think on it for a bit and we bet you’ll see some big positives to this approach, whether your children are simply “parents at large” in their future, or choose to raise their own kids. 

Ultimately, whatever our children choose to do in the world, they will be more successful, happy and self-actualized if we raise them with these guidelines in mind. The challenging world we live in needs more people who are good critical thinkers: open-minded creative problem solvers. You have a chance to help create that world. Think you can’t? Wrong. You can’t...yet. But you’re a good learner or you wouldn’t have read this.

Next step: build a community of practice within your extended family and the families you and your children interact with. Share this article with them. Start a dialogue. Improve on these ideas. No parents ever raise their children alone. For good or bad, the entire “village” contributes to who your children will grow to be. You can influence that village if you choose to.

About The Authors:

 Of course, we’re still learning about the parenting gig, but have been serious about that learning for a long time. Prior to our work at New & Improved, a globally respected innovation consultancy, we were both therapists and leaders of youth empowerment programs – years before we had children of our own. We got to see a lot of what worked and didn’t work in raising healthy kids, both anecdotally and through extensive awareness of the research on resilience. Bob worked for 5 years as a “wilderness therapy” counselor in youth prisons and is still an active Scoutmaster for boys 11-18. He set up - and consulted to - drug abuse treatment & prevention programs throughout North America.

As a New York State Credentialed Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Counselor (CASAC), Sheila coordinated the prevention and treatment programs for two school districts in Franklin Co., NY. She’s also a NYS permanently certified sciences teacher who has taught environmental education courses for young children at a local interpretive center. Sheila is the driving force behind our firm’s “Joy of Giving” party, conducted annually to foster altruistic behavior in young children. We have an abiding passion for helping young people become fantastic adults.

Now adults at 22 and 20, our children, Hannah and Luke, are creative, empowered, curious leaders, both working to have a positive influence on the world. They demonstrate resilience as they encounter various life challenges. Nice! Not perfect human beings - none of us are - but great people to know and be around.

We also feel our kids involvement in scouting has been a big impact as well. So, we are fans of the global Scouting movement (Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Venturing, etc.) as a powerful support for youth character development and leadership training. Human creativity flows strongly from those who feel an empowered sense of responsibility for the world around them. When run skillfully and as designed, scouting is perhaps the best youth empowerment program we have. Especially in the teen years.  While our kid’s involvement in school sports and other extracurriculars was good for them, only Scouting had empowerment, character building and leadership training as its core reason-to-be. Yes, you can learn some leadership skills playing a sport, but this is only a “sometimes secondary” intention of a sport and the coaches who lead. In Scouting, it is the primary focus. While no system can ever be perfect, Scouting - which is a worldwide program - is pretty amazing and getting better all of the time. Both of our kids got great value from their involvement. Bob & Luke are Scoutmasters together now that Luke is an adult. A look at the Troop 8012 Website will give you a sense of the impact on leadership and creative problem solving skills that can be offered by the program. Luke and Bob are also honorary Ugandan Scouts and wear their Ugandan Scout Association (USA) neckerchiefs proudly at formal scouting events in the "other" USA. They're using their Creative Problem Solving facilitation skills to bring good things to scouting everywhere they can.

 

Comments

[Alan]

Excellent article you two or was sit created by all 4 of the Eckerts?

Great to see you 3 in New Zealand.

[Bob Eckert]

Welcome to all of the readers who arrived here by way of Scouts for Equality and other Scouting related groups. Together, we are making a tremendously positive difference for our kids via this program.

[Bob & Sheila]

This weekend, Luke and Bob will be facilitating the strategic planning session for the Adirondack District of BSA, using CPS. http://innovationblogsite.typepad.com/newandimprovedinnovation/2014/10/creative-problem-solving-how-to-do-it-how-it-works.html

Sheila and Hannah will be training Elves in preparation for the upcoming Joy of Giving party. https://www.facebook.com/JOYofgivingADK?ref=bookmarks

Perhaps, one outgrowth of all of the strategies we used in raising these two is that, while fiercely independent thinkers, they have become our friends and colleagues. As such, we get to spend some great time doing good things for the world with them. A bonus we had no reason to expect we would be gifted with.

[Chuck Dymer]

I'm going to email this article to my nieces and nephews who are in "next-generation generation mode." This article is a terrific, thought-provoking, thanksgiving gift. Thank you. My wife Katie and I don't have children, so our parenting was flawless. We could have used these tips with our nieces and nephews, however. Be assured we'll use them with our great nieces and nephews. And "we'll be great at that."

[Bob & Sheila]

Organizations that support their employees to do this will grow value through innovation and efficiency. It is impossible for a person to improve their child's creativity & resilience skills without working on their own creativity and emotional intelligence. Data shows that improving these dimensions in employees leads to new value creation. Therefore, it is in any organization's best interest to actively support its employees to parent in this way.

[Bruce Fern]

GREAT piece. I am waiting for the book!

Bruce Fern

[Bob & Sheila]

@JV: You ask for some depth on the question of "Teach them to be parents" I agree there is more to share for clarity.
To tease a more complete answer that I'll write up midweek, one aspect of this mental move is that it precipitates a different set of conversations. In age appropriate ways, you'll be more likely to talk about the internal challenges you're having about best parenting strategies. You might also have different conversations about the parenting of others that your kid is exposed to. You'll be more likely to describe how you are negotiating various parenting polarities: freedom/protection; sharing/privacy; empowerment/compliance etc. Sure, you might have these conversations with a kid you were raising to be an "adult" but you'll be more MORE likely to have these conversations with a kid you're raising to be apparent. And sooner. Thanks for asking this. We'll dig deeper late in he week.

[Caroline Pakel]

A beautiful article! Thank you. And I agree... I have been reflecting a lot myself recently about what I might have done right - and not so right - when it comes to my son. Arthur left a month ago to start a 4-year programme in engineering at Cambridge. His main reason for choosing the course is that it is the broadest in terms of the possibilities it gives him career-wise and it is all about creative problem solving. And apparently, that's what the top firms in this world are after: young people with creative thinking skills and creative problem solving abilities... And I ask myself whether I can really take any credit for the beautiful and wise young man my son is turning into. I myself did not grow up with enlightened parents and with opportunities to join or be part of enlightened communities such as the Scout Association. All I did was love him, the best I possibly could - and my best for me was probably not always the best for him at times - and most importantly, give him as many opportunities to experience life in new and different ways and share with him what I thought and how I felt. I have never wanted to be his teacher, but his shield, his nest, his jumping board, his friend and his guide. It's been real hard to see him fly away. He knows where I am but I am quite clear that the "job" as his mother is "done". And your list of tips is great. The one thing that it is missing for me is the importance of story telling, of understanding that we make our own story whilst needing to respect and honour our ancestors' legacy and history, that every moment in life is about creating and sharing a story, of creating our own legacy. As we know storytelling is where the imagination thrives and after all, without imagination, would there be any problem solving? Thank you again.

[J.V.]

Wow! Great stuff, and thanks for sharing. One thing I've never understood is the "teach them to be great parents" thing. Say more about the distinction and the how...

[Bob & Sheila]

We also feel our kids involvement in scouting has been a big impact as well. So, we are fans of the global Scouting movement (Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Venturing, etc.) as a powerful support for youth character development and leadership training. Human creativity flows strongly from those who feel an empowered sense of responsibility for the world around them. When run skillfully and as designed, scouting is perhaps the best youth empowerment program we have. Especially in the teen years. While our kid’s involvement in school sports and other extracurriculars was good for them, only Scouting had empowerment, character building and leadership training as its core reason-to-be. Yes, you can learn some leadership skills playing a sport, but this is only a “sometimes secondary” intention of a sport and the coaches who lead. In Scouting, it is the primary focus. While no system can ever be perfect, Scouting - which is a worldwide program - is pretty amazing and getting better all of the time. Both of our kids got great value from their involvement. Bob & Luke are Scoutmasters together now that Luke is an adult. A look at the Troop 8012 Website will give you a sense of the impact on leadership and creative problem solving skills that can be offered by the program.
Luke and Bob are also honorary Ugandan Scouts and wear their Ugandan Scout Association (USA) neckerchiefs proudly at formal scouting events in the other USA.